Holding On And Letting Go
by ncislove1
Summary: 7 years after Ziva has left NCIS, the team hasn't seen or spoken to her since. Until they make a shocking discovery about her whereabouts that will change everything. Especially for one agent in particular.
1. Alone

**Hello readers! This is the first story that I have been totally committed too and spent almost everyday writing. I have tried to make it the best story that I have written to date, so I hope you like it :) This is a TIVA story, generally with a but there will obviously be interactions with other characters (including Agent Bishop(don't hate me). I will try and update the story as often as I can but I don't want to make any promises about updating everyday or anything like that because, yes I do actually have a life, and college work :( Anyways enjoy the this chapter !**

Tony sat alone at his desk in the bullpen. The rest of his team had already gone home. McGee had gone home to his fiancé, Delilah and Gibbs to his basement. Special Agent Bishop had offered to make him dinner, but he had kindly declined, made up a relatively good excuse he thought. The truth was, his old friend, his old partner, his old…lover was on his mind. He had been feeling this way for the last couple of weeks; he couldn't shake the memories of her out of his head. Not that he wanted to completely get rid of them, just push them aside so he could focus on his work. His mind drifted back to the time just before she had left him, left the team.

He had travelled to find her all the way in Israel, she was being threatened and the only way she would be safe was if she went into hiding. Of course, Tony had tried to convince her otherwise, however she wouldn't take any of it, She had her mind set, and him of all people knew that once she had her mind made up, that was the end of it. There last night together had been wonderful. It was a night of discovery, emotions and a moment that they had been waiting for almost 9 years. He had been so caring and she realised things about herself she didn't even know could exist, which only made it harder to say goodbye. The last thing he had said to her that day still remained in his memory like it was yesterday.

"take care of yourself, Ziva, I will remain forever hopeful that someday , in the future, we will meet again" he had said.

She didn't say anything back, she simply gave him a gentle but meaningful kiss and made her way onto the aircraft that would take her away from him. Everything changed for him after that, it seemed to him that life had no meaning, he had lost his best friend, the woman he trusted with his life and to make things worse Vance only went and hired a new Agent almost immediately after. He had to admit Agent Bishop had grown on him over the past 7 years, but it wasn't the same and never would be. When Bishop first joined the team, Tony found it difficult not to judge, compare and ultimately hate her. McGee was the one that helped him get through the first year of not being there, with him almost 24/7. He had been there when Tony had got drunk alone in his apartment and called McGee talking nonsense. He had been there when Tony broken his hand after punching a wall in anger. McGee had helped Tony a lot in that first year without Ziva, and if Tony was honest, he still did.

Tony's mid wandered back to one night in particular. The night he got home from leaving Ziva.

_He had arrived at his apartment and sat down on the couch. His head was spinning with emotions and thoughts. How was he going to live without Ziva? How was he going to cope not seeing her every day at work? He ran his hands through his hair, got up and walked over to his fridge. When he saw the amount of alcohol he had in there, he immediately knew how is evening would end up. But he didn't care, anything to take the pain away. _

_Tim heard his phone ringing on his bedside table and rolled over trying not to disturbed Delilah as she slept peacefully. He squinted as he looked at the screen and saw whose name was on it 'TONY' it read. Tim sighed and pressed the answer button._

"_Tony?" he whispered "it's the middle of the night"_

"_Hii, timmm, I knooow, sorry man" Tony slurred his words as he spok._

"_it's okay Tony, what do you want" Tim said more seriously. He was a bit annoyed that Tony had woken him up in the middle of the night. What could possibly be so important?_

"_I..I was just thinkin, Ziva's gone mann, myyyy niinjaa is gonee" Tony saidstill slurring his words._

_Tim sighed as he realised how much this was affecting his friend. It was hard on all of them but for Tony, it was losing his soul mate, a part of him was missing. Tim quietly got out of being careful not to wake his girlfriend up and walking into the kitchen of his apartment. _

"_I'll be right over, give me 10 minutes" Tim said and hung up the phone._

_Not long after their conversation, Tony heard a knock at the door. He stumbled over and opened it. Tim stood the other side with caring eyes. And in that moment Tony realised that he wouldn't have to go through this alone._

Tony blinked a couple of times, coming back into reality when her heard the elevator doors opening and footsteps getting closer to him. He look up at the female standing in front of his desk.

"Abby? What are you still doing her?" He asked with a smiling, trying to cover up what he really felt inside.

Abby smiled and tilted her head to the left. "I was going to ask you the same thing…?" she said concerned for her friend and colleague.

"I was just…" Tony sighed, it was pointless to lie to Abby, she would get the truth out of him one way or another and he would prefer to give it to her the easy way rather than the hard way. "I was just think about Ziva actually" He said looking up at Abby.

Abby sighed and walked around to Tony side of the desk wrapping her arms around his shoulders with care and love. "I know" she said tightening her grip. "I miss her too" she finished. Abby didn't want to push Tony to open up to her, he was obviously reminiscing about Ziva, missing her a lot. She only loosened her grip when she felt Tony shifting and starting to stand up.

"I better, be going, its late and um, we have work tomorrow and you and I both know what Gibbs is like when we over sleep" Tony said trying to make light of the subject.

Abby laughed. "Oh I'm never late" she said patting his cheek gently "but I'll take your word for it!"

And with that they both made their way towards the elevator.

**Authors Note: Awww McGee, he is so cute. I thought it would be nice to get a sort of flash back to show how difficult Tony found it when Ziva left. I know it was kinda a short chapter but I'm just getting started to give me a break :) Please please please give me your opinions, what you liked, thought could be improved etc... See you again soon for the update, bye :)**


	2. Drunk

**Authors Note: Hey guys, thank you for your views and reviews I really appreciate it! So far have submitted a chapter a day, but I can't promise that, that will happen every day, especially when I start getting more course work. But for now I will try my hardest :) This chapter may seem alittle like the flash back in the last chapter, but I hope that doesn't put you off because its a really nice chapter between Tony and McGee. Plusss, you find out Tony and Ziva's sleeping habbits ;) enjoy the chapter! **

Tony sat on his couch, wondering if you should retire for the night or watch a movie. He had a lot on his mind and he wasn't sure if going to bed was the best idea. He would only lay there thinking about everything he had been thinking about all day, but mostly he would be thinking about Ziva, what she was up to, was she okay?

After a short while he decided on watching a movie. Bond to be exact. He put the disk into the machine and waited for it to load the main menu. Once this was done, he walked over to the cabinet by the window of his apartment; this was where he kept his alcohol. Tony knew that drink probably wasn't a good idea right now, but one glass could help right? He pulled out a bottle of scotch, set the bottle and a glass onto the table in between the television and the couch and poured himself a glass. Then he hit the play button.

An hour had gone by and he noticed that he was getting tried, but still he did not want to sleep. Maybe another few glasses of scotch would to the trick? And with that he poured himself another glass. But one glass turned in to many and he soon found himself in a state of mind that he hadn't been in for a while. He could think properly, and all of a sudden he found himself picking up his cell phone and dialling McGee.

"McGee! Hey man" Tony said.

McGee was quick to realise what was happening and told Tony that he would be over as soon as he could. After about 30 minutes there was a knock at Tony's door and he got up to see who it was. He opened the door and there was McGee, his trusty friend, the one he could rely on. A drunken smiled appeared on his face as he friend walked through the door and sat down on the couch.

"You want to tell me why you're drinking, alone in your apartment?" He said simply as if Tony was not drunk at all.

Tony chuckled "I'm not drunk though Timmmm" Tony said as he started to pour himself yet another glass of scotch. McGee took the bottle out of his hand before the liquid filled the cup.

"Yes Tony, actually yes you are" he said. "Now I'm going to ask you again, why are you drinking alone in your apartment?"

Tony sighed and looked almost shyly at McGee who had a caring yet serious look on his face.

"I was just thinking…about… stuff" Tony said looking away again.

"Care to elaborate on that Tony?" McGee said rolling his eyes slightly.

"Well, I was thinking Tim, I haven't been in a relationship in...in a while… and I think I already lost the woman I was meant to be with" He said settling back into his couch. Tim sighed at this response, to be quite honest he wasn't expecting it. He thought that maybe Tony had _gone _on a date and that she didn't show or maybe even he was rejected for sex.

"You were thinking about Ziva, weren't you" It wasn't a question more of a statement in which Tony simply replied by nodding his head. "Tony, it's been 7 years, I know you miss her, we all do but she isn't coming back, don't you think it's time that you moved on with your life, I'm sure she has"

Tony's head shot up and he looked almost angry at what McGee had said. "I can't McGee! I have tried believe me, I have slept with more women in the past 7 years trying to _move on_ than I can remember and that is saying something! Whenever I meet another women all I can think about is _Ziva, _When I kiss another woman all I can think about is_ Ziva _, When get tanking back to another woman's home all I can think about is _Ziva_, when I sleep with another all I can bloody think about is _ZIVA! _God I hate it."

Tim was shocked to say the least, he hadn't expected Tony to become so emotional by his comment. He knew that Ziva had meant a lot to him but he never knew it was to the extent. He let Tony settle back down and calm his temper before asking him anymore questions.

"But you guys never…" He felt a bit awkward asking this question, he wasn't sure what the answer would be. On one hand, he thought Tony would laugh at the question, tell him he was stupid for even thinking it. Bu on the other hand, he knew that there was a chance that they had. The looks at each other across the bullpen, the banter, the obvious flirting. "Slept together right?" he finished his question.

Tony looked at McGee, not knowing if he should tell the truth or not. He already knew that he had feelings for Ziva, but he didn't know that they had once loved each other. He made a decision, of course he was going to tell McGee the truth, he could keep it inside of him any longer.

"Yes, of course we did McGee, wasn't it obvious?" Tony asked, not really knowing what the answer would be. If McGee had to ask such a question then obviously he didn't know, but Tony could have sworn that him and Ziva were terrible at hiding their feelings for each other. McGee didn't say anything after that so Tony decided to continue,

"The first time was a bit after Gibbs left for Mexico, she had asked me to help her move some furniture around her new place, I should have known were it was going, I mean we had been flirting with each other for almost a year by then. I went to her apartment to help her and one thing lead to another and… I didn't think anything of it really, Gibbs wasn't there so technically rule 12 didn't exist. I was great, it…, she was amazing." Tony decided to stop there; he was sobering up and didn't want to go into all of the gory details of their night together. "When Ziva was framed for a terrorist attack, do you remember that Tim? She came to me after and told me that we had to stop, he father had spies following her and that they had caught on camera him coming to her apartment. After that it ended, we didn't speak about it again. Then when I killed Michael I could have sworn she was going to kill me, but in the moment when she held the gun to me, I could tell she was remembering, everything that happened between us and she couldn't do it Tim, she just couldn't. Nothing happened for a while after that, of course the whole Somalia thing happened and she was healing, slowly, regaining her trust for me. And then… well then we were flown out to Paris.. the city of love. We always told everyone that the hotel messed our rooms up, but the truth is, we asked for one room, we didn't however expect for there to one bed…We spoke about everything that night Tim, she told me about the horrific things that happened to her in Somalia, what had happened before, one thing lead to another and …But the night I will always remember with her, was the night before she left. It wasn't just sex like it had been before, it was something else completely, I had never felt that way before and I haven't since". Tony looked back up at Tim to see what his reaction was, "She told me she loved me Tim…and that because of that, she had to leave, to protect me…it was the hardest thing that I have ever done, walking away from her". Tony finished his monologue and got up to put his glass in the sink. Tim followed him into the kitchen.

Tim sighed, he wasn't sure what to say, how could he have not realised they had been sleeping together all this time! Sure, he had noticed the flirting and the looks they gave each other but never in a million years thought they would actually go against Gibbs's rules.

"I know I have been saying this for the past 7 years but, it _will _get better Tony, you will meet a wonderful woman, who love your movie references and finds your stupid jokes funny…who loves you for who you are" McGee stopped there as he thought he was becoming rather cheesy.

Tony turn to face McGee, as serious look across his face "its late, you should get back home, I'll be fine Tim, see you tomorrow at work" Tony said. McGee started at his friend for a moment but then started walking towards the do, Tony obviously wanted be alone right now, and he would respect that.

"Okay, Tony, see you tomorrow" He said and shut the door behind him.

As soon as the door was closed Tony stood up and punched the closest thing to him, which was in fact the wall. His hand started to throb and he shook it up and down trying to take the pain away. After a couple of moments, he walked into his bed room and lied down on the bed, he must have been extremely tried because he feel into a deep sleep almost instantly.

**Authors Note: Aww McGee is such a good friend! So anyways ;) Tony and Ziva have slept with each other multiple times eyy? Thank you for continuing with this story really means alot. Please review and tell me what you would like to see in the future! Next chapter will involve Ziva in some way or another ;) you will have to wait and see. Thanks again bye**


	3. Late

**Authors Note: Hello everyone, sorry it has taken a while to upload the next chapter, I have been super busy with college and work. But anyways this is the new chapter, I'm not sure if its any good because I wrote it really quickly, just now...sooooo.. yeah. I hope you guys still like it and thank you for sticking with the story so far haha! Enjoy...**

The sun shone brightly through the open widow, letting in a cold breeze. Tony was spread out across his couch, face down in the cushion. He must have fallen asleep watching television because the screen was still on and turned up to what seemed like full volume. He woke up gradually to the sound of persistent knocking at his door. Sitting up, he ran his hands through his hair and walked over to see who it could possibly be. He sighed and was almost reluctant to open the door when he realized it was his annoying neighbor. He counted to 3 in his head and pushed down on the handle opening the door slowly.

"Finally! I have been knocking for almost 20 minutes!" She said crossing her arms. When Tony didn't say anything, she carried on moaning. "That television has been on ALL night! I haven't got a second of sleep!"

Tony rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry, I was sleeping.. I.." He tried to explain but was interrupted by the angry woman.

"Sleeping! It's almost 10am!" She said. Tony's heart stopped in its tracks. 10am… That meant his was late for work, _very _late! Tony shut the door to his apartment, not caring about the woman on the other side and started frantically running around trying to get his stuff together. After about 5 minutes, Tony had made his way to his car and was heading to the office. How was he going to explain this to the boss? Hopefully McGee would cover for him.

As soon as he arrived at the office, he was surprised by the lack of people he saw in the bullpen, no McGee, no Bishop and no Gibbs. Looking around the room he slowly put his coat an bag down on the floor next to his desk. Where could they be? Maybe there had been a case and they were already at the crime scene. However it would have been very unusual for no one to have called him wondering where on earth he was! A few moments later he saw Gibbs emerge from MTAC followed by McGee and Bishop, they both looked worried, but not Gibbs, he just looked mad, like something had stirred up all the anger that was inside him. Tony hoped to god that it wasn't because he was late.

"Boss!" Tony started a Gibbs got closer and stopped almost right in front of his face. "Sorry boss, it won't happen again". Tony didn't want to have to explain why he was late, it wasn't really something that they spoke about.

"What won't DiNozzo? You going to the dentist" Gibbs said walking over to his desk. Tony looked over at McGee who returned a friendly smile. He was lucky to have a friend like McGee, even though Tony had always teased him in the past, McGee always had his back, they were like brothers. Tony mouthed "Thanks" towards McGee, but he could tell that was something on his mind, why had they been in MTAC.

Tony moved slowly over to Bishops desk. "Why were you in MTAC?" he asked carefully. Bishop looked up at Tony, she didn't know if it was her place to tell him what they had found out, and she glanced over at Gibbs. Tony leant on the desk and repeated his question, a little louder this time. "Why were you in MTAC?!". Tony felt Gibbs's eyes on him and stood up to face him.

"We have been tracking a terrorist group's movement in south Iran, they have been making explosives, and trying to smuggle them in the United States." Gibbs said looking at him in the eye. Tony put his hand is his pockets, he could tell there was more to it than that but Gibbs was holding back.

"We recently discovered that they are holding prisoners" Gibbs finished. Tony was confused; he wished that Gibbs would just tell him what was going on instead of dodging the subject.

"So who is it? Who are they holding captive, that means we need to get involved, coz I know that that's where this is going". Tony asked intrigued but his team mate's nervousness.

Gibbs walked closer to Tony, he wasn't sure he was going to react to what he was going to say and he needed him to be professional about the situation, no matter how hard it would be. "Ziva" Gibbs said looking at Tony directly in the eye.

Tony's eyes grew wider. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He was shocked, speechless, dazed with the information he had just been told. It couldn't be Ziva, she was in Israel, safe away from harm. She couldn't go through captivity, not again, not if it was like the last time. Tony decided that it was best if he gathered his thoughts before he said something he would regret and quickly made his way to the men's room, followed by the glare of this team mate's.

McGee looked over at his boss. "Do you think he's okay boss? He asked worried.

"Well go and find out McGee" he asked returning to his desk. Bishop continued to type at her computer. She never knew Special Agent David, but she knew just how much she had meant to Ziva. She didn't knew the full details of their relationship, only that it had been somewhat….complicated at times. She didn't really understand why this news was affecting Tony so much; it had been 7 years since she had gone after all. Surely he was over by now?

"Are we going to….find her Gibbs?" Bishop asked no looking up from her computer.

Gibbs stopped typing and looked over at his most junior agent confused and almost annoyed at her question. "is that a problem agent Bishop?" he asked, not really wanting an answer. He got up from his desk and walked over to Bishop's desk. "There is one thing that I need to make very clear to you, Ziva is family, and always will be, she never was and never will be replaced.". He said sternly. Bishop nodded her head and watched Gibbs make his way back up to MTAC. She knew that she had been accepted a long time ago onto team Gibbs, that her team mates liked her and they had a good laugh, but it was the times that Ziva was mentioned that she knew that she would never be a part of their 'Family' and one person to make that very clear had been Abby.

**Authors note: Soooo? what did you think? Ziva is being held captive again! what could this mean? So I put a little bit of Bishops thoughts into this chapter, not sure if its something I am going to do much of because its many going to be in Tony's point of view..well until Ziva is in the story more. Please review and tell me what you think could be improved, what you would like to see happen in the story..etc. bye 3**


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